This past summer I read a lot books and articles about “veganism”—mostly from Vegan Outreach, some from Peter Singer—that suggested what we “must” do as vegans: that is, we “must” reduce the most suffering possible with our time; it is our “moral obligation.”

I think I became addicted to this sense of moral obligation.  For most of the summer I tried to justify my actions by this standard: “Is it ethical for me to write poetry?  Activism reduces more suffering.”  “Is it o.k. to spend so much time with my girlfriend?  People are starving.”  I “broke down” several times over my internal conflict.  I went leafleting when school started in the fall, which made me feel a little better.  I was nervous, but it was the ethical thing to do.  I was doing my duty.

Since the summer I’ve started to experience activism differently.  This fall, V pointed out to me a problem with “should/must” language.  Telling others what they “must” do assumes things about their life and their personality  that they have money to donate, or that they’re able-bodied).  I tried shifting my language from “we must” to “I want.”  I tried showing more respect to people who wouldn’t go vegan.  I tried to stop judging others for the suffering they didn’t help stop.

Because leafleting felt so forced the first time, I didn’t leaflet again for two months.  Then in the fall one day I woke up and thought, “I feel good.  I want to do something to help others.  I will leaflet.”  The action came from “I want” instead of “I must.” I felt less nervous.  Instead of doing my “duty,” I was doing what I wanted.

I recently realized that V has written to me about this difference before, referring to “internally driven” versus “externally driven” activism.   V had pointed out that many people start doing activism with external motivation, trying to secure good feelings or a “do-gooder” image, but their motivation often shifts over time.  V explained, “With internally driven activism, the activist is motivated by something inside themselves and activism feels much more integrated into the individual (as opposed to being an identity).”  As V wrote, “activism is the external expression of the internal state.”

Activism as “being,” or internally driven activism, is also less directly focused on “results. “  If a person is “simply” “being” the love (or respect, compassion, peace) they feel, they’re not directly concerned with the number of leaflets they distribute. They’re concerned with being the most complete expression of love possible.

Allowing my activism to become more internally driven has been healthy for me.  Instead of hating myself for the suffering I don’t stop—holding myself responsible for changing the world—I can focus on who I am.  I can focus on my effort and my actions.

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